In Seneca letter 63, “On Grief for Lost Friends,” addresses the emotional response to the death of a friend and offers Stoic wisdom on managing grief. Seneca acknowledges the naturalness of sorrow but advises moderation, promoting a philosophical approach to dealing with loss. This letter serves as a guide on maintaining emotional balance and finding peace after a loved one’s departure.
Seneca starts by expressing sympathy for the loss of Lucilius’s friend, Flaccus, while urging restraint in mourning: “I am grieved to hear that your friend Flaccus is dead, but I would not have you sorrow more than is fitting.” He discusses the societal expectations around grief and the personal necessity of managing it thoughtfully: “Do you think that the law which I lay down for you is harsh, when the greatest of Greek poets has extended the privilege of weeping to one day only?”
"It is because we seek the proofs of our bereavement in our tears, and do not give way to sorrow, but merely parade it. "
Seneca criticizes the performative aspect of grief that seeks to outwardly prove one’s sadness, suggesting that true mourning doesn’t need to be displayed to be felt: “It is because we seek the proofs of our bereavement in our tears, and do not give way to sorrow, but merely parade it. “He continues to explore the theme of how to cherish memories without being overwhelmed by sadness: “To me, the thought of my dead friends is sweet and appealing. For I have had them as if I should one day lose them; I have lost them as if I have them still.”
"To me, the thought of my dead friends is sweet and appealing. For I have had them as if I should one day lose them; I have lost them as if I have them still."
Seneca then directly addresses Lucilius to not misconstrue the nature of Fortune’s role in life and death, highlighting the importance of appreciating friends while they are alive: “Let us greedily enjoy our friends, because we do not know how long this privilege will be ours.” He criticizes those who only appreciate friends once they are gone and stresses the folly in such an attitude: “But will you tolerate men who are most careless of their friends, and then mourn them most abjectly?”
"Let us greedily enjoy our friends, because we do not know how long this privilege will be ours."
In Letter 63, Seneca blends empathy with philosophical rigor to craft a nuanced view of how to deal with the death of friends. He argues for a balanced response that honors the deceased but also preserves the mourner’s well-being. This letter offers timeless advice on facing one of life’s most challenging experiences—losing a loved one—with grace and resilience.
***** Letters from a Stoic Key Takeaways is a collection of short key takeaways from the letters sent by Seneca to Lucilius. Read each letter’s key takeways here .
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